


Too Old For This

by theratheller



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, First Kiss, Love Confessions, M/M, On a hunt, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Requited Love, They're all alive, jack is with them, on the road, s15e20 didn't happen, sam thirdwheeling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:15:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28751259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theratheller/pseuds/theratheller
Summary: Dean's working through some things while driving back to the bunker after a hunt, with a sleeping Jack and Sam, and a very distracting Cas for company.aka in which Dean figures out what he wants and confesses his feelings.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 12
Kudos: 203





	Too Old For This

The purr of the Impala was the only noticeable sound present. The sleek car floated along the stretch of empty road, which was illuminated by the single set of headlights and the moonlight. 

Dean looked on ahead, feeling content with the simplicity of it all. The open road, another monster dead, his family with him. He’d always felt most comfortable like this, most himself. 

Well, he had for a long time. Even he had to admit though, for a while now he’d been feeling a bit too old for it all. It wasn’t like he hated it necessarily, he was content. But a part of him longed for more than just content, more than just being okay. 

They’d saved the world again and returned to the open roads, the shitty motels, and killing the same monsters over and over… for the millionth time; it had begun to feel a bit monotonous, to say the least. 

Waves of guilt used to wash over him whenever those thoughts would permeate his mind back in the day. He’d chastise himself, remind himself that this was his job, his purpose. 

However, lately less so. Lately, he’d been pushing back against his perpetual guilt, the feelings that found his way back to him no matter how many good deeds he managed to collect.

He’d been saving people, hunting things, since he was a child. Hell, he’d never even gotten to be a kid really. That part of him died with his mother the first time around, back in that burning house. After all that, all those years, surely retirement was more than earned. 

After the battle against Chuck, and Cas and Jack’s return, sure they’d taken a break. But then there were always more cases, more people to save. There was always more. And so he’d gotten back into the swing of things. It was the easiest option; it was the safest option in a sense. Why try something new when he already knew what worked.

A light snoring sound removed him from his thoughts for a moment. His eyes flashed to the side. 

Sam was asleep in the passenger seat, his head slumped over onto the window. That’s gonna leave a crick in his neck, Dean thought to himself, shaking his head.

Sam had been weirdly into the whole ‘getting back into hunting’ thing. He was more often than not out hunting with Eileen these days after she’d taken up a permanent residence in the bunker.

The only reason he was on this hunt with the rest of them was because she was helping some old hunting contact on a case and had insisted that she could take care of herself. Dean smiled to himself, thinking about how she had told off Sam for his overprotective tendencies. She was a badass. 

Sam had kept himself busy enough back at the bunker though, despite being a bit sulky after the scolding. 

He reminded Dean of Bobby sometimes. Not so much in the surly old drunk way. More so in the way he was able to manage and aid various hunters who had taken to coming to him for guidance and calling him for help. He made a good leader. He’d practically started running his own ‘Hunter Corp’ like the other world versions of themselves. 

Dean was hardly surprised though. His younger brother could do anything he put his mind to, he was a great hunter, he was a good influence. He was even a better dad to Jack than Dean felt he was, despite him seemingly seeing Dean more as his dad for whatever reason. He used to feel a tinge of jealousy over it all, but nowadays he only felt pride. 

If Dean were to quit hunting, he knew Sam would manage. He and Eileen seemed to be thriving with the whole hunter work-life balance thing. It was a far cry from the white-picket-fence life the kid used to want back in the day, but he seemed happy. 

He wondered what that felt like. To finally be at peace, to be more than content. 

He glanced away from the road ahead again, this time looking up at the rearview mirror. 

Jack was asleep in a similar position to Sam on one of the backseats. Dean shook his head in disbelief. It was still strange seeing the kid being so… human, so powerless. 

After the battle with Chuck, Jack transferred all his gained Godly power to Amara. He’d insisted on it. 

It’s not like any of them could’ve stopped him if they wanted otherwise. Him being all-powerful at the time and all. But Dean had to admit, he was relieved. The kid was only four years old; he had so much living to do still. He didn’t deserve to be burdened with the responsibility of- well- everything. 

Besides, selfishly, he just wanted his son around. He wanted them to all be a family. They’d already lost Cas at the time, and he didn’t know how he would’ve coped losing Jack too so soon. Even more so after the year Jack had experienced. The way Dean had treated him throughout it. 

That all too familiar guilt panged in his chest again. He had been making amends since, but it still ate him up inside. The guilt of not just recent events but how he’d treated Jack for a long time. 

After they’d saved the world this last time around Dean had promised himself, he was going to be the father he knew he could be. The one he’d been to Sammy, one nothing like his own dad. Jack deserved it. 

He had been trying. Going on trips and outings in between or even during hunts with Jack and Cas. Sam too when he was around. They’d even taken to binging TV shows together, much to Dean’s surprise the kid and he had similar taste. Though if Sam ever found out about the Riverdale thing his life would be over. Dean shuddered at the idea; he’d never hear the end of it. 

Most importantly though, he had been there emotionally. It was tough for Dean, to be open and cuddly and feely. But he was trying.

He sighed to himself and glanced away from Jack’s sleeping form, back over to the road, attempting to focus on it. However, due to the thought of emotions and being open, his mind began to veer to the fourth man in the car. 

He met eyes with Castiel through the rearview mirror for a second. Cas gave him a small smile before looking away out the window. 

Dean sighed to himself again. His friend had only been back a month. Getting him out of the Empty had been no small feat, but they did it. There was no way Dean was going to leave him there, especially not after- not after how they left things. He’d turned over heaven and hell, exhausted every contact they had, done whatever he had to. He had gotten Cas back.

He still couldn’t believe it at times. That Cas was back, Cas was okay. He’d taken to looking over at him regularly just to make sure he was still there. 

He thought it would be different once they saved Cas. He had so much he wanted to say, so much he’d rehearsed in his own head. Nothing as poignant as Castiel’s heart-wrenching words before he’d been taken. Dean was never as good with words as Cas was. But still, he’d had it all planned. They may not have been as beautiful, but they would be his words, his feelings, all out in the open. 

That had been the plan. 

The problem was that when Cas returned the most Dean had managed was a hug and a “Welcome home buddy”. It was like when Cas came back from the Empty the first time around. Dean had known then, how he felt about his best friend. He was sure everyone around him during the grieving had known too. And it had all been on the tip of his tongue when he saw Cas again. But none of it came out.

It had been on the tip of his tongue again when he apologized to him in Purgatory. But again, it just wouldn’t come out. The words would choke him halfway out his throat and he’d swallow them down every time. 

And so, they both continued to act like nothing happened. He was sure Cas must hate him, or resent him, or something. He’d laid his heart out bare to not even get an acknowledgement in return. He’d sacrificed himself for Dean, hell he’d become human in a roundabout way because of him. There had been no way to get him out of the Empty with his grace intact. And so he was human. Which wouldn’t have happened in the first place if he hadn’t saved Dean. 

All that, and Dean had given him nothing. He frowned to himself. 

Then, his internal ponderance was interrupted again. 

“Dean, are you okay?” The only one awake in the car aside from himself spoke up. 

“Me? I’m fine, why you askin?” Dean jumped slightly and responded quickly, clearing his throat. He wondered if he’d been staring at Cas too long. 

“You look tense” Cas replied.

“Nah, just tired. Getting too old for this.” He attempted to be lighthearted. 

“Dean you’re only 41” Castiel responded, his tone slightly chastising. 

“You know what I mean.” Dean rolled his eyes. 

At that Cas smiled slightly. 

“I understand.” He paused slightly “I think I may be too.” 

“Well, you look great for your age” Dean replied, coughing slightly. His cheeks heated up as soon as the words stumbled out. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the comment had sounded casual or lighthearted, but his voice betrayed him. It was soft and- he hated to think it but, slightly shy. 

Cas squinted slightly in amusement. 

“You too Dean.” 

They were silent again for a few miles of road. 

Once Dean was done internally drowning in embarrassment over his comment, his mind wandered back to the idea of retirement again. He wondered if Cas was over it all too. In his weakest of moments, Dean would allow himself to picture it. Him and Cas. Their own place. No more hunting. They could even set up a room for Jack. 

A few years ago he never would’ve allowed himself to think it. Hunters don’t get to have normal lives he would’ve thought. Hell, even if they could, they don’t with angels, they don’t with- 

Dean shook his head slightly. 

Surprisingly to him, the male vessel thing had been easier to get over than the angel thing had. 

He’d known he wasn’t straight for a long time. He’d fought against it for almost as long. But after his dad had died. The further that time took him away from his influence, the easier it got to toy with the idea. Castiel’s presence had definitely forced him to do some major re-evaluating quite early on. It took years, but even when he got there, he just couldn’t wrap his head around the angel thing. 

He didn’t know if angels could feel like that. They were designed to be soldiers, they weren’t even supposed to feel, let alone feel love. And especially feel that kind of love. 

But more importantly, even if they could. It wouldn’t be Dean; he was too broken in the parts Cas was good. 

Anytime he had entertained otherwise, reality subsequently crashed down on him. When Cas would leave, over and over. When Cas would be hurt, damaged, all because of him. He’d kick himself for even thinking it was a possibility. 

That one angel had told him that ever since Cas laid a hand on him in hell he’d been lost. And Dean had held onto that. If laying a hand on Dean could tear Cas down so irreparably. What could loving him do?

Turns out Dean had been both right and wrong. Cas did love him, Cas could love in that way, and love even the most broken of men. But loving Dean had also been his demise. About that Dean had been right.

Those weeks that Cas had been gone, Dean hated himself. More than usual. Cas had told him he was more than his pain and anger, but how could he believe it when just the act of being in love with him had destroyed the most righteous and caring man he knew. He tried to believe he was good anyways; for Castiel’s sake; but it wasn’t easy. 

But now. Now Cas was back. He was back, and Dean assumed- hoped- that even if he was mad, he was indeed still in love with him. 

A few years ago he never would’ve allowed himself to think it. 

“Hey, Cas.” He spoke up. His voice was hoarse from the nerves riddling him. 

Cas looked up to him through the mirror with a smile and slightly raised brows. 

“You ever think about retiring?” 

“Retiring?” Cas furrowed his brows slightly in confusion. 

“Yeah like. Quitting all the saving the world crap. Just having a regular life.” Dean pressed on, his heart beating out of his chest. He attempted to steady his breathing. 

“I did work at that Gas’n’Sip for a while Dean.” Cas offered, clearly still confused by the line of questioning. 

“No, I-“ Dean closed his eyes and sighed before continuing. “I mean like, settling down you know? Getting your own place.” Dean swore internally. He was terrible at this. 

Cas tilted his head slightly. There seemed to be pain underlying his expression all of a sudden.

“Dean. Do you not want me in the bunker anym-‘

“What? No! No. God damn it.” Dean burst out, immediately looking over at Sam to make sure he hadn’t woken him up. To his relief, his brother was still out cold. 

He then glanced back at the blue eyes piercing through him in the mirror, illuminated by the moonlight. 

They calmed him slightly. 

“Cas I mean- I don’t mean on your own. The two of us. What if we retired and got a place or something, I don’t know.” The last sentence came out rushed and Dean began to heat up. He was sure if it had been lighter out his face would be noticeably red. 

Cas blinked back at him in surprise. 

“You want to retire… with me. Why?” There was a curiosity and glimmer underlying his eyes as he asked the question. 

“You know- because. Well, we’re both getting too old for this crap, and we both- you know-“ Dean coughed out. 

Dean could swear he saw a subtle smirk grace Castiel’s face only for his expression to straighten out again. He ignored it and turned his attention to the road, growing more embarrassed by the second. 

“We both what?” 

“You know- that thing you said before the Empty-“ Dean’s chest tightened slightly at the mention of that terrible moment, sadness creeping in. Though he still overwhelmingly felt nervous and uneasy at the conversation taking place.

What if Cas had changed his mind?

“I told you I loved you” Cas responded. The humour in his voice had lessened, this time it was softer, coated in despondency. 

Dean looked up at him again. Cas’ eyes were now facing downwards. Damn it. 

A sudden rush of bravery overwhelmed him, he felt bolder. Perhaps it was actually seeing Cas upset that did it. After weeks of him speculating about how Cas was feeling, actually knowing. Cas was hurt, and it was because of Dean. He had to make it right. 

“I didn’t get to say it back.” Dean breathed out. Just like that, the words were out. He was surprised at how little resistance they put up. 

The curious expression washed over Cas’ face again as he looked up. 

“Did you want to? Say it back?” Anxious energy laced the words. But so did hope. 

Dean swallowed the lump in his throat. He looked out at the road ahead and spotted a clear patch of dirt off the side of the highway. He had to do this face to face. 

When Dean didn’t seem to respond, Castiel sighed lightly and shifted to look out the window pointedly. Dean, however, continued to glance back at him. He cursed himself for hurting his friend again, but he had to do this right. He promised himself this was the last time; he would never hurt Cas like this again. He would spend the rest of his days showering his life with joy to make up for it all. 

As he began to pull up to the dirt patch his heartbeat started to quicken at an alarming pace. He attempted to breathe steadily but that was proving to be a challenge. This is it, he thought to himself.

He glanced around and stifled a groan as he noticed that the slowing car had seemed to wake up both Jack and Sam. They both lifted their heads and blinked sleepily at the scene around them. 

“Are we back home?” Jack asked through a yawn. 

“Not yet kid” Dean replied quickly. 

“Dean, why are we stopping?” Cas questioned, concerned. 

“Cas, uh step out for a sec.” 

Dean began to open his driver’s side door and step out when he suddenly noticed Sam had begun to follow suit.

“Where are we going?” Sam asked. 

“Sammy stay in the damn car.” He gruffly pulled his little brother down to the passenger seat again before stepping back out. 

“What are you- jeez- alright then” Sam muttered under his breath, closing his door and leaning back into his seat. 

Dean swiftly walked over to the side of the car Cas was exiting out of and gestured for him to follow him up the road slightly. He didn’t want Sam eavesdropping right now. 

“Dean, what is it?” Cas questioned as Dean finally stopped walking. They stood a few feet away from the front of the Impala. 

“I wanted to say it properly. Face to face.” Dean responded. His throat was threatening to close up again, but he was determined to push through. 

“Say what?” Cas asked, seemingly not daring to raise his hopes up again. 

Dean breathed in deeply, exhaling just as hard. 

“Cas- You loved- You loved the whole world because that’s who you are.” He breathed in and out again. “Remember how Chuck said the thing about the crack in your chassis? How no matter what he did, he couldn’t control you? That’s you man. If you didn’t have it in you all along no amount of convincing from me could’ve made you rebel.” Dean wasn’t entirely sure where he was going with this. Cas had said so many beautiful words to him. In return, he wanted to let Cas know how special he was too, even if his own words weren’t as half as good. 

“Dean you-“ 

“Let me finish, please man, I-“ Dean swallowed. “The thing that made you different. Made all the other angels so afraid of you, made them wanna change you-” Venom coated the last two words, with memories of Naomi flashing through his mind. “You always had a bit of humanity in you Cas, it’s what made you special, it’s what made you able to love. It’s what made me-“ 

Dean paused, staring at the oceanic eyes before him. They were soft and gentle, and he felt like they were gazing into his soul. Perhaps they were, after all, no one had ever been able to see him as clearly as Cas had. 

He took another deep breath and continued. 

“It’s what made me fall in love with you Cas.”

At that Cas quickly drew in a breath. His eyes widened; tears were beginning to form in them. 

“I love you man” Dean added on for emphasis. His eyes were beginning to glisten up just as Cas’ were. 

They stood in silence for a moment. Dean could swear that the loudest sound in the world in that second was the sound of own his heart beating out of his chest.

Then, with tears trickling down his cheeks, with a gentle and beautiful smile, with loving eyes; Cas stepped up closer to him. 

“I love you too Dean.” The smile was audible in his tone. He sniffled slightly. 

Dean breathed out a sigh of relief followed by a slight laugh. He felt lighter than he had in months. 

He wanted to yell and shout in joy, he wanted to run a lap around the highway, he wanted to pull Cas into his arms and never let go.

More than anything though, he wanted to kiss the man staring up at him with those soulful eyes. 

And so he did. 

Softly and slowly, to make up for all the years of lost time. For the hundred times he should’ve done it before. He could taste the tears streaming down both their faces, feel the other mans stubble under his hands, feel his all-too-human heart beating against his own thumping chest. 

Minutes passed, maybe hours, he didn’t know, nor did he care. Time didn’t feel real anymore, and he never wanted to leave the moment he was in. Every instance in which they had to part for air felt torturously long. He could’ve sworn he heard a noise in the distance but that didn’t matter. He was never going to move, to leave, to let go. 

Suddenly, Cas began to chuckle lightly through kisses. 

“What is it?” Dean asked breathlessly, breaking away only for a moment before attempting to lean back in. 

Castiel put both hands on either side of Dean’s face and pulled him away slightly. The man smirked up at him with swollen lips. His hair was somehow messier than usual, and his eyes were wide. He was beautiful.

“As much as I’m enjoying this Dean.” He breathed out. “Sam seems to be honking the horn.”

“Huh?” Dean managed, confused until he heard the Impala’s horn sound off. 

Both men turned to look over at the car. 

Sam was leaning halfway out the driver's side window. 

“Listen I’m happy for you guys but can we please get going!?” He yelled out, raising his arms in the air in frustration. 

Dean glared daggers at him. 

“Dean I think he’s right” Cas said through a smile. 

Dean looked over at the flushed man beside him. He couldn’t keep the glare on his face at the sight of him. His chest swelled with emotion and warmth. 

“Yeah, yeah.” He muttered, giving the Impala another glance. With a sigh, he continued. “Okay, let’s go.” 

He began to walk back, hand in hand with Cas. When they were halfway to the car he stopped, suddenly remembering what had prompted this in the first place. 

“Cas, about the retirement thing-” 

Cas tilted his head, looking up at him knowingly before giving Dean a quick peck on the lips. 

“Dean I would love to retire with you. We can discuss it when we get back to the bunker.” He smiled and began to walk towards the Impala. 

The words filled Dean with further relief. He smiled to himself watching Cas walk back over to the car door opposite where Jack sat. 

“Hey, no!” Dean suddenly called out.

When Cas looked back alarmed, Dean clarified. “Swap seats with Sam!” 

Cas looked at him incredulously. 

“Dean, I don’t think that’s necessary.”

Dean only grumpily pouted back at him. 

Cas rolled his eyes and complied, apologizing to Sam as he asked him to move. The taller brother exited the car and made his way to the backseat. 

“It’s fine Cas.” Sam smiled lightly; his tone implied that he clearly wanted to just be back on the road again. He was about to enter the car before he froze suddenly and pointed at Dean; who had walked back over to the driver’s side; accusatorily over the roof of the car.

“Keep it PG okay, Jack and I are still here.” He warned before getting in the car. 

Jack only furrowed his brows in confusion glancing from Dean to Cas. Dean rolled his eyes and entered the car. He smiled lightly at Cas before starting up the engine.

They drove in silence, but he didn’t let go of Cas’ hand for the rest of the drive.

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to just be a bit of a Dean character study/exploration of his inner monologue. But I couldn't help and sprinkle in some destiel. Im really happy with it so I hope yall like it too. Enjoy! xx


End file.
